To love is to surrender. accept the love we receive, honor the love we give, seek the love we find. When you surrender, you acknowledge love could come from anywhere from anyone at anytime. surrender to the power and audacity of love so it can nourish you in ways you couldn’t possibly preempt.
To love is to be vulnerable. to bare your thoughts your feelings, insecurities, dirt, filth, demons, (unfiltered) desires. Is this what being naked feels like? They get an insider’s view A rare access to what goes inside, what brews inwardly, what cooks underneath. It is scary but a non-negotiable mandate.
To love is to embrace its doppelganger–grief. It goes hand-in-hand. You cannot separate them love will cause grief love will also rescue you from it Be prepared.
To love is to let go Understand that it may not be reciprocated Sit with this truth that it may never come back that it’s purpose may have been something else all along. that is was too temporary to befriend
To love is to be brave. when was the last time you showed that courage? what caused it? what propelled it? what saved it? what’s left of it? Gather them in the palm of your hands, in the gap between your legs, in the air that connects your lips.
Your body has a memory, It always remembers. who touched it who caressed it who admired it who tolerated it who undervalued it who was overwhelmed by it who ignored it who nourished it who kissed it who was kissed by it who taught it something who made it forgetful who embraced it who ghosted it who was honest to it who hid secrets from it who created memories who established nightmares who loved it who loved it more Your body has a memory It always remembers.
Have you ever mourned for something that hasn’t departed yet? Prepping your body, mind and soul for it a season about to change an aging parent a relationship reaching its expiration date a child on the threshold of hitting puberty a secret soon to come out of the closet All inching closer to the end But not quite there yet.
I miss hugs. Not necessarily the romantic kind. Or even the platonic kind. The kind that you give for no other reason except to offer and receive that embrace. One that lasts longer than 3 seconds. One where you can smell each other’s tension and sighs, happiness and empathy, courage and exhaustion. One that tells you everything will be okay. One that isn’t a half-hug, a side-hug, a hurried hug, a hey-good-to-see-you hug, a cursory hug, an obligatory hug. One that emerges out of nowhere. In the middle of a conversation. In a bid to break a silence. At a crowded place. Amidst crowded sentiments. One that doesn’t need a reason. One that was given or received for the sole purpose of making each other feel safe, secure, heard. When was the last time you hugged someone? Or received a hug like that? That wasn’t from a spouse or a partner? That wasn’t romantic or platonic? Do you miss it? Or did you never experience it?
‘Tis that time of the year when we proudly flaunt the lessons 2022 taught us. Here are mine, solely from a parent/mother’s point of view. I’m co-parenting my child who is almost 3 and I obviously haven’t cracked the code. Neither has the single teenage mother or the 45-year-old first-time mom or the adoptive mom. We’re all sinking and sailing through the same weather so take these lessons with a pinch of salt. I’m grateful to my son who teaches me things no classroom or book would ever teach.
1. They’re never “too young” to learn.
This is a very patronizing way to approach the parenting role. Yes, not all kids are prodigies and they all learn at different speeds, but learn they do. They pick up concepts, words, emotions and feelings lightning fast and are like sponges waiting to absorb everything we enact and emote as caregivers. Never assume that they’re too young to understand something complicated. I started reading board books to my son when he was three months old. By nine months of age, he’d started saying ‘copter’ every time he saw or heard a helicopter. It’s a big word and so is his brain!
2. You will always get a second chance. Always.
Parenting is complicated, messy, weird, and convoluted. Often we feel, if we screw this up, we’re not gonna recover and we have messed up our child. Nothing could be further from the truth. Parenting is built in a way that both parties fail, learn, pick up the pieces and start all over again. Of course, it’s exhausting to start from scratch but it is definitely an opportunity. For a second chance. To try and befriend them, to teach them the value of something, to let them be themselves, to make them feel loved and special. It is never the end of the world. Kids are generous and if we play our cards right, they’re likely to trust us with another chance every day.
3. We’re not only lying constantly to our kids; we are also lying to ourselves. (And it’s okay)
If I had a penny for the number of lies I have told my kid, I’d have enough to buy him the whole LEGO store. If you don’t walk on the footpath, cockroaches will gather around your toes in the middle of the road. If you don’t wear your jacket to the park, the police will ask for a fine and mommy will have to pay. If you finish your milk, daddy has a “special surprise” waiting for you. The list is endless and I hate to rely on silly lies to get something done but it often is the easiest and quickest way out. What I have learned, in addition to this, is that we’re also subconsciously lying to ourselves as we lie to our kids. He is a kid; he won’t know the difference. She will surely listen to me as long as I raise my voice. They’ll need me only until they go to school. All lies which will stop being true in no time.
4. Accept your and your kid’s pace.
This almost sounds like a broken record but cannot be emphasized enough. We all bloom and grow at different rates and frequencies and that’s exactly what makes us unique. The world already expects a lot from us as adults so let us at least spare our children from that weight for as long as we can. Rely on your kid’s clues to give you an understanding of how ready they are for their next milestone or growth. They’ll tell you and they are the best experts of their own bodies, needs and desires. Rely on yourself as you decipher those clues. You are both up for this challenge. Trust each other’s pace.
5. They’ll forgive; they may not forget.
We all lose our cool on our kids and we display it differently. Sometimes, we yell. Other times, we close the door on them and sob. Few times, we cuss. On rare(r) occasions, we spank. Our buttons can be pushed hard by our kids so these things are bound to happen. The guilt it comes with is non-negotiable and a lot of it stems from the fact that the kid is almost never wrong. One can only hope that they’ll forgive our extreme reactions but chances are they may not forget. Some memories get imprinted on their minds that get locked into a tiny corner in their brain only to emerge years later in a therapy session. I remember that before I react in any difficult situation.
A picture of my kid looking for fallen leaves inside a park
6. Apologize.
As above, shit will happen and we will all lose our calm, and when that happens we absolutely must apologize. Their age shouldn’t be a factor in deciding whether or not we as caregivers should be saying sorry. Coz if we don’t, they won’t. We have to be able to teach them that apologizing is beautiful and necessary. They’re likely to forget all that bad stuff if it ends with a heartfelt apology.
7. They’re smarter than you and the smartest thing you can do is to admit that.
Generation gap is real folks! The way we were raised by our parents is nowhere near the way we are raising our kids and we know this in our hearts. The world has moved on, tech is meeting us everywhere, the exposure to knowledge and reality is multi-fold. We‘re just gonna have to accept the fact that the wit they display now is something we just did not possess at that age, not because we were fools but we simply did not have the kind of access they do now. My son once asked for a mango and I showed him a picture of it on Google. “Not one to see but one to eat. Can’t you order it online?”, the two-and-a-half-year-old stated as a matter-of-fact one October evening.
8. They’ll show their love in subtle ways, but you shouldn’t.
Every kid is different in expressing themselves. Some are very open and direct; others are shy and conscious. However your child may be, sometimes one has to look for ways in which the kid is actually saying “I love you” without saying it in those words. Maybe they gave you an extra hug. Or an unexpected kiss. Or a smile out of nowhere. It doesn’t really matter. But never let their subtlety stop you from saying and showing your love. It may seem like they don’t need to hear it or witness it every day. But do it anyway. Expressing your love for your kid can only be beneficial.
9. If you don’t trust them, they won’t trust you.
Parenting is like riding a tandem bike, which means the coordination of our actions is key. They’re just brilliant copycats and the one thing we can already let them emulate from us is showing trust. Kids are always on the look-out for evidence. They’re firm believers of ‘Show, don’t tell’. I once asked my son to guard a candy until I came back from the bathroom. I asked him if I could trust him. He just looked me in the eye. As soon as I was out of the bathroom, he yelled ‘Yayy!” and ripped open the candy. He trusted I’d be back and I trusted he’d wait until I was.
10. They remember all the promises. Don’t take ‘em lightly.
Guess this one’s self explanatory. Never ever promise anything in the fleeting moment. They will remember it all and throw it back at your face.
11. It doesn’t get easy.
It’s the most common thing I have heard–”it’ll get easy”. I’d like to go ahead and shatter your dreams–it will not. I’m barely three years into the parenting gig but I do believe this to be true. Old issues are replaced by new ones. Persistent problems get replaced by newer troubles. There’s always room for worries. It will be different, for sure, but it ain’t getting easy, my friend. The sooner you acknowledge that, the less you will be disappointed.
Colours on my palette 