Notes on love

To love is to surrender. 
accept the love we receive,
honor the love we give,
seek the love we find.
When you surrender, you acknowledge
love could come from anywhere
from anyone
at anytime.
surrender
to the power and audacity of love
so it can nourish you
in ways you couldn’t possibly preempt.

To love is to be vulnerable. 
to bare your thoughts
your feelings, insecurities, dirt, filth,
demons, (unfiltered) desires.
Is this what being naked feels like?
They get an insider’s view
A rare access to
what goes inside,
what brews inwardly,
what cooks underneath.
It is scary
but a non-negotiable mandate.

To love is to embrace its doppelganger–grief.
It goes hand-in-hand.
You cannot separate them
love will cause grief
love will also rescue you from it
Be prepared.

To love is to let go
Understand that it may not be reciprocated
Sit with this truth
that it may never come back
that it’s purpose may have been
something else
all along.
that is was too temporary
to befriend

To love is to be brave. 
when was the last time you showed that courage? 
what caused it?
what propelled it?
what saved it?
what’s left of it?
Gather them
in the palm of your hands,
in the gap between your legs,
in the air that connects your lips.

Memory

Your body has a memory,
It always remembers.
who touched it
who caressed it
who admired it
who tolerated it
who undervalued it
who was overwhelmed by it
who ignored it
who nourished it
who kissed it
who was kissed by it
who taught it something
who made it forgetful
who embraced it
who ghosted it
who was honest to it
who hid secrets from it
who created memories
who established nightmares
who loved it
who loved it more
Your body has a memory
It always remembers.

Not there yet

Have you ever mourned for something
that hasn’t departed yet?
Prepping your body, mind and soul for it
a season about to change
an aging parent
a relationship reaching its expiration date
a child on the threshold of hitting puberty
a secret soon to come out of the closet
All inching closer to the end
But not quite there yet.

On missing hugs

I miss hugs.
Not necessarily the romantic kind.
Or even the platonic kind.
The kind that you give for no other reason
except to offer and receive that embrace.
One that lasts longer than 3 seconds.
One where you can smell each other’s tension and sighs,
happiness and empathy,
courage and exhaustion.
One that tells you everything will be okay.
One that isn’t a half-hug, a side-hug, a hurried hug,
a hey-good-to-see-you hug,
a cursory hug,
an obligatory hug.
One that emerges out of nowhere.
In the middle of a conversation.
In a bid to break a silence.
At a crowded place. Amidst crowded sentiments.
One that doesn’t need a reason.
One that was given or received
for the sole purpose of making each other feel safe, secure, heard.
When was the last time you hugged someone?
Or received a hug like that?
That wasn’t from a spouse or a partner?
That wasn’t romantic or platonic?
Do you miss it?
Or did you never experience it?

Today I mourn

Today I mourn
for all those seconds that were drowned by my screams
Yelling at you for being a baby
Screaming with a shrill voice that your delicate ears haven’t yet learned how to pick up.
Shrieking as a response to your howling.
Thinking diamond cuts diamond, noise will cancel out noise.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Today I mourn
for all those minutes I spent on my phone
Working reading scrolling browsing.
When you were trying to tell me something in your own language.
When you wanted to climb on top of me to register your physical presence.
When you were softly biting my arm.
To remind me of living in the moment, valuing what I have now.
What’s the point of a calendar if you can’t see the present?

Today I mourn
for all those nightly hours I didn’t get to sleep.
When my eyes were so glued shut I could not even see
As I lay you, my baby, close to my chest
humming, murmuring, singing off-key
A tune I improvised at 3 am.
because that’s all I could do in that hour of forced un-sleep.
The blind leading the blind.

Today I mourn
for all those days I did not say I love you out loud.
When you wouldn’t stop yelling.
When you fake-hurt yourself just to get my attention.
When you broke something valuable. A precious gift. A lover’s blessing.
I could not gather the courage to say I love you
I did not feel like you deserved to hear them that day
(when that’s the day you needed to hear it the most)
There is healing in saying it or listening to it.
So in case I ever forget again: I do love you.

Today I mourn
for all the months that have passed since
and i haven’t found the space to mourn
For all the things I have lost
For all the things I didn’t do
For all the things I couldn’t do
For all the things I will now never do.
I mourn for them all and I mourn for all those instants when I felt mourning was a bad thing.
Everyone deserves a closure.
(and this poem is mine)